♪ I wanna be the best
I wanna wake up feeling like I fucking slept
I wanna prove you wrong, that my story isn’t written
I wanna be something gold, I wanna be someone different♫
♪ ♪ Wanna turn back the clock, tell my father to be stronger
Cause he missed me growing up
And I want to tell the little girl in the corner of that room
Don’t lose hope, just be brave, things get better soon ♫
♫ I wanna stay sincere, but that kind of thing is tricky
When you give up all yourself and still the end result is iffy
Like nothing I’ve created even matters
So now I wanna do stupid shit, I wanna get fucking plastered
Want to get out my brain, want to shed my skin
I need to find someone to tuck me in
Want you to know that I wanna be better
But it feels like it’s gonna take forever
Gotta get it right, gotta get it right
To make today mine ♫
“It was killing him with its silence and loneliness, making everything ordinary too beautiful to bear.”—
-Ken Cosgove, Mad Men
This quote is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard, and I feel like I can empathize so much with it. Ken Cosgrove, in this part of the episode, is writing about co-worker Pete Campbell, a character that I have never been able to relate to, after Pete does something that negatively affects Ken’s freedom to write- which is his passion. So Ken writes about Pete in his new short story, but instead of lashing out at Pete, he writes this- this profound sadness that he realized in Pete, that he felt sorry for. But the context is not what I could relate to: I think that sometimes, I feel the same way as Pete.
In the same context, Mary once said in Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve”, and for those of us that don’t believe we are deserving of things that are good and whole, the ordinary things, the things that people take for granted every day, are the things that we painfully miss.
I miss her so much. Late night, when it’s quiet and I’m laying in bed. If I have the other dogs with me it’s bittersweet. If Im alone, loneliness tends to sink in. Early morning, when I wake up, when I’m in a rush to get ready for work, when I have mornings to myself on the weekend, I miss her so much. I can see her Little China Eyes. I can feel her sparse fur. I can smell her distinct odor. I can feel her love and enthusiasm. Surrounded by so many others to love loneliness tends to sink in. Damn, do I miss her.
When I get home from work and I spend time in the dog parade. What I sit down and I give each one of them their moments of love, I miss him so much. When I give them their baths, go through the rotation, when I get to the end he was always the last one. When I put them in their cages, give them their last treat, tuck them in for the night, he was always the best one. Sitting patiently on his hind legs. My little statue. Damn do I miss him.
I know with time this will
I know the memories will always
I know that there is no use in hurting
But I just can’t help the pain of what I’m missing.